Look at this beautiful sampler! This is the first release by Jan for "Tree of Life Samplings". Check out her blog here for your chance to win this design!

Oh my, oh my......what a generous and fantastic giveaway! Mel is celebrating her 8th blogaversary with a fantastic giveaway. Just go to here to Blog Candy Time and see the details for her giveaway! Good luck to all!

Just a quick update. I'm doing much better. Dave and I have been talking A LOT! That' a good thing....it's always been very difficult for me to open up to anyone and really communicate. I grew up being the peacemaker in my home and never learned how to talk. I think that' s why most of my friendships were mostly on the surface/acquaintances rather than of the "forever friend" sort.

I have been able to get some stitching done. I'm almost done with Part 1 of the Papillon Castle in the Air SAL.
Just need to get the beads for it.






I've got more done on my L&L Angel of Grace, and I picked out a freebie Quaker Flower and the floss for it to do as a birthday present for my Sister. I'm a little nervous about starting it as it will be my first time working on linen, but I'm looking forward to trying it.

Oh, and I got my Carrie's Thread Exchange from the ILCS Yahoo Group. I had Cyndi as a partner and I got some lovely threads. Take a gander :)

I do have a little picture to show you. I had to go to the eye doctor recently, as I've been having problems with close up reading and thought for sure I'd need bi-focals. But, the doctor was able to change my prescription enough that hopefully we can put them off for another year. So I got new glasses and picked something a little more bold than I've ever had before. What do you think? You can compare it to my profile photo, I'm wearing my old glasses in that picture.I like them alot! Oh, and on the fitness front, I'm down another 4 pounds - so almost 20 pounds down since June 10 and I've dropped from a size 20 to an 18. I'm thrilled! 6 pounds to go and I'll be under 200. I haven't been under 200 since I was pregnant with my first son 11 years ago!

Well, the last week has been quite an emotional one for me. To put it bluntly, last Wednesday I was ready to just quit my marriage. I wrote a three page letter to my husband airing all my grievances and complaints and just generally let him have it with both barrells.

This wasn't something completely out of the blue....it's something that has been in the back of my head for a few years honestly. However, it was put into motion the previous evening in bed. Now, I'm not going to go into detail, but I found myself in a panic Tuesday night when my husband wanted to hold me. I was terrified and couldn't move, nor could I speak. I do know that this was what my therapist called a "body flashback". The next morning I decided I was done. I didn't want to do this anymore, try anymore.....it's too much work and too hard.

I gave my husband this letter just as I was leaving the house to take our three boys to youth group. I didn't come home until after I'd picked them up when youth group was done. At that time, then my husband asked if we could take a walk to talk. We walked and talked and then he finally asked me if I even wanted to try anymore and I just said NO, I was done. Well, early the next morning at 4:30am, he came into our room (he'd stayed up that night because he works nights and needed to sleep the next day) and just lost it. In the 26 years that I have known my husband I have seen him cry only once and he has NEVER lost it emotionally like he did that night. He begged me to think about my decision - he didn't want to lose me or our boys. All I could do at that point was say I'd think about it. And I did and have.

The next night he wrote me a long letter by email and something he said really resonated with me. He said that he had given up trying on so many things in his life and he didn't want to give up on me or our marriage. That was what made me take notice. I've been much the same way.

For me, though, I believe the reason I've given up trying on so many things is because I didn't believe myself worthy enough or deserving enough or good enough for many of those things. I was sexually abused as a child. There, I said it out loud and the world didn't crash in on me. Because of this abuse and other things in my childhood, I pretended to the world, to be this happy go lucky girl. Unfortunately, behind that happy face was a girl/child/woman who really wasn't happy and didn't know how to express that she wasn't happy. So she went on pretending until last Wednesday when she finally couldn't pretend anymore.

What this HAS done for me, is somehow opened the gates that have been holding back all the words for so many years. I've never been able to tell my husband/mother/friends or anyone else in my life how I was really feeling. I've always guaged my own happiness on whether or not the important people in my life were happy. If something was wrong, I'd try to fix it and not worry about how it was affecting me.

My husband and I have had more productive talks in the last 10 days than we've had in our 26 year friendship (15 years as a couple). I believe we can make it through this. I'm going to go back to the therapist/psychologist I started seeing last November and he's going to make an appointment with someone in the same office for himself. Eventually we'll work into marriage counseling together after we've had some individual counseling sessions.

We have also made a committment to get back to church together. We have both drifted away from this important area of our life and both feel a need to make it a priority for our family. It always amazes me that God knows what we need to hear and when we need to hear it. We went to the service a week and a half ago and heard some things that were very relevant to where we are right now.

So, that's where things are in my life. I'm still running and trying to be healthy. I'm officially down 15 pounds since June 10 and dropped a dress size. I haven't weighed this weight since I was pregnant with my youngest in 2002. My next goal is to get under 200, which is only 11 pounds away, by the end of September. My goal after that is to drop 19 more pounds by Christmas and be able to fit into my wedding dress again. I KNOW I can do this. I know that part of the reason I'm succeeding is because I'm finally allowing myself to take care of ME and telling the little abused girl in me that it's okay to be pretty and attractive.

To Child Me

What if I could come to you

all grown up

and approach you softly

gently

in an all-alone moment?

What could I tell you that would comfort you

encourage you

make you see how beautiful you are?

What if I told you that someday

you'd be safe

you'd be free

you'd be on the journey to peace?

Would you believe me?

Would I seem like a stranger

an impostor

with graying hair and comfortable hips?

Would you tremble when I arrived,

afraid that I was just one more

abuser

intruder

bringing sweet lies and tempting promises

whispers of hope without substance

or strength

to fulfill them?

Would you dare to crawl into my lap

curl up in my arms

and cry it all out?

Would you hope?

Would you love me just a little

therefore sparing a little love for yourself?

Who might I be today

if you had learned that love?

If the fear and hate and shame

hadn't taken such a deep, gnarling root

in your innocent soul?

Would I be wilder?

Would I be less?

Would it matter at all?

Let me love you.

Let me hold you.

Let me in for just a moment.

You are safe. You are safe. You are safe.

Sara Shalom Scharrer

This is my 8 year old self in third grade. I look at this picture now and see such sad eyes that are asking for something, but don't know what. I found this poem today on another blog and it really resonated with me. Do you ever wonder if you could go back to your childhood and talk to yourself what you would say to that child? I've never really thought about it, but I have today. I'd tell that little girl that it was OKAY to tell her Mommy that someone she loved was hurting her. I'd keep telling her that until it stopped when she was 13, so that hopefully she wouldn't be where she is now emotionally that is at 42. Maybe things would have been different for her. I would have told her that it was OKAY to NOT be happy all the time, and it wasn't HER responsibility to make sure her Mommy and her Brothers were happy....she's ONLY a little girl.

The blog where I found this has a very thought provoking post. Check it out here if you'd like. Talking to Myself